English: Rubber bands in different colors. Studio photo taken. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Been a while since I posted. I’ve been busy since I’ve been back to work after my “nervous breakdown” or whatever you want to call it. They switched workloads around and somehow I’m busier than I ever was…so much for my boss wanting “to ease you back into work and not overwhelm you.” 🙂 Anyway, I was ok for a while but the last week or so , I’ve been going backwards. I’m starting to feel more anxious at work and so I talked to my counselor about it. She suggested positive self talk and this rubber band technique. First, put a rubber band on your wrist. It’s not a new idea, but one I’ve never tried. Point is whenever I feel an anxious or self-doubting thought, first I am to talk myself down from it, i.e say things like “Everything will be ok, the work will get down, it’s ok, etc.” and if that doesn’t work, snap myself with the elastic. Supposedly I’ll be more focused on the pain than the worrisome thoughts. So far, I have a big red welt on my arm and I’m still anxious. Yay me !!! 🙂 well, i just wanted to post something so there it is people, hope you enjoyed it. Have a great day !!!
so, it’s been what…6-7 months since i last posted. How sad is that ?? Well, I’m just going to do a quick one now to catch you up…if anyone reads this 🙂 I suffer from depression since my twenties but it has always been controlled by medications. Well back around Christmas time , I started to get depressed, really depressed. more so than I’ve ever experienced. I struggled thru Jan and Feb til I had a kind of “breakdown” in work at beginning of March. I couldn’t stop crying, I was shaking, and I had a mental fog that just wouldn’t clear up. I then was out of work for a month , in that time they tried all sorts of meds, til finally they reached the right ones. I went back to work last week of March and since then have been doing fine. I do need to learn new ways to deal with depression and anxiety, but i’m definitely not getting off the meds yet. The one for anxiety is one they want to take me off of eventually, but at this point, I’m not ready. But I’m definitely better. I can work again …I still hate my job -( little private joke to my cousin), but I can handle it better. In fact, there are times , everyday, where I’m able to laugh at things. I have very amusing cellmates, I mean coworkers 🙂 anyway, I lied, this wasn’t a “quick” post after all, but c’est la vie. anyway, hope you are all well and I wish you a day full of love and joy.
I can’t believe I’m meant to feel joy only when I’m outside of work. I have posted so much about how unhappy I am in my current job (although, grateful to have one in this economy) and it definitely is a place where I do NOT feel joyful. Since I’m here more than 40 hours a week, I think it’s about time I changed my attitude. But how ?? I am looking for another job but who knows when I’ll find another one, so in the meantime, I need to figure out how to find joy here in the workplace. I don’t mean the joy you get when there’s a plate of cookies around. (and there is a ton of food at this place). I want to feel joy at other things. I do feel joy with funny coworkers. I feel joy in my internet music. The joyful moments however are few and far between. I do print out a lot of positive items and do read them throughout the day….that helps. but what else can I do?? I’m so miserable here. I put up smiling faces of loved ones around me and that helps for a few seconds. How are some people walking around smiling all day while I’m here sulking for the most part ? I’m getting (if I already don’t have) a reputation for being Debbie Downer and I don;t want that. once that 5:00 pm bell rings and I’m out of work, my mood instantly lifts. The problem is my workplace. If anyone reads this and has any ideas, by all mean please share. Otherwise, I’m doomed to be my most miserable self until i find another job,. and Who knows, the problem could be me, not the job and then I’m in some big trouble. I should mention I go to counseling and works until …you guessed it, the workday starts again. well, now that I’ve got that out of my system, back to the grind. I’ll just turn up the music and get to it.
Is this what kind of blogger I’ve become ? a once a month blog entry ? Oh no, that is not good. i am going to change that 🙂 I guess I’ve just had nothing new to write. i still am stuck in a job I don’t like and i’m still obsessed with searching for a new one. In my spare time,rather than blogging, i’ve been going to bed early. I hardly call my friends and am really wrapped up in just isolating in my house with my hubby. This is not good. I do have AA and Al-anon meetings Mon and Fri and Sat am, and I have a financial class I’ve been taking on Wed, so I do get out. It’s just on the other nights I prefer to stay inside. Time for a new hobby. But please don’t say exercise. I have a beautiful treadmill but have yet to go on it. Even going for a walk, I’ll find an excuse not to do it. Talk about lazy!! As some one said…”My get up and go musta got up and went !” i guess I’m in another funk. so what’s the solution ? quit my bitchin’ and get up and do something !!! Yes, not shopping, but take that walk, get on that treadmill, call a friend, or even email, participate in LIFE !! keep searching for the new job and trust in God that a new one will come when the time is right. Until then, stop moping and try being grateful dammit !!!!! Wooh ! I think i just motivated myself. it kinda hurt a little 🙂
Last night’s bible study class had to do with covetnousmess and trying to define it was hard. I think it’s wanting what others have , not being happy for them that they have things, and not appreciating what we ourselves have. I admit i have coveted before and although I’m not proud of it, I’m a work in progress and i’m trying not to covet. As i write about constantly, I am looking for a new job. When I hear that someone has found a new job, am I happy for them or am i jealous and angry. If the latter, then I’m coveting their job. Well, This is what I need to work on because indeed I covet their job. What i should be doing is being grateful i have a job now that gives me the freedom to look for something else with less fear than if I didn’t have a job. I should be grateful I have a job where i get paid, have benefits, etc. There is nothing wrong with my wanting a new job, but it IS wrong to covet. If someone gets a job , then I need to be happy for them and wish them luck, so that’s my lesson to myself today. I am going to be more grateful for what I have and not covet thy neighbor’s job…or anything for that matter. Also, it’s good for me to write 5 things a day to be grateful for so I see that i might have things that others wish they had, thus I start to realize just how much I have. I truly am blessed and if my only complaint is a boring job where I’m unhappy, i am lucky. I have so much good and i shouldn’t covet anyone’s anything.
Is the glass half empty or half full? The pessimist would pick half empty, while the optimist would choose half full. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I just read an interesting article and it got me to thinking that I need to change my pessimistic attitude. Of course, 48 years of being a pessimist is a hard habit to break. But i think there is definitely something that how we talk or explain something influences our mood. If I continue to speak negative, I’m going to remain in that pity pot. I’ve always been a glass half empty girl…it’s time to change. Easier said than done but if i try just a little each day, maybe … I mean I WILL, transform my negativity into positivity. So here I go think think thinking my way to positivity. I’d ask you to wish me luck but i dont need it 🙂
I haven’t blogged in so long !!! honestly, I’ve been in my M-F, 9-5 funk. I so much want to find that elusive job where I’m happy. Maybe not all day, but some of the day would be an improvement over my current situation. I have a good life, great family and friends and outside interests and lots of things that make me happy, but it’s at work where I’m lost. I’ve been looking and interviewing for the last year and a half to no avail and my patience is wearing thin. Now i know in this economy I should shut up and be grateful i have a job at all, I just want to find one where I’m a little happy. I could be being a little dramatic , as there are some brief moments of happiness here and there, but am i asking for too much to want more? I guess i’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and maybe someday that job will come. Thanks for letting me vent. You have a lovely day now 🙂 !!